10/08/12
Review - Things To Consider [Dating]
Now, I came across this little list of, 'Things to Consider" when you're dating someone, and if any of these come up, that you should "nope the hell out of there, and fast.". Below I have put the list:
- How does he treat his exes? If he’s constantly talking about them, bashing them, and stalking them, chances are you should give this guy a miss, because if/when you break up with him, he will do the same to you, and you will not like it.
- How pushy is he when it comes to the speed of your relationship? If you’re not ready to make out/have sex/whatever and he’s pushing you, you need to be careful. This is how rape happens. Trust me.
- How much debt does he have? If its over ten grand and he doesn’t have a house or car of his own, watch out, because chances are he’s bad with money, and trust me, you don’t want to bear that burden.
- How does he treat his mother? If he treats her badly, he’s going to do the same to you.
- How does he treat his friends? If he doesn’t respect them, he won’t respect you or your friends.
- Does he have a solid group of friends? If he doesn’t have friends outside of you, he’s going to get clingy, and you’re going to be trapped.
- How strong are his opinions on things like abortion, LGBLTTQ* rights, women’s rights, and religion? If he feels strongly in a way that opposes your own opinions, you’re gonna have a bad time. And if he’s religious, or an atheist, is he one of those rude loud ones, or is he quiet and polite about it? Beware of the obnoxious atheist. They’re even worse than bible thumpers.
- How does he handle social situations?
- How does he treat wait staff? Is he polite, or does he bark orders at them?
- Finally, how is his appearance and personal hygiene? If you ever catch him wearing a pair of sweatpants with a suit jacket, and its not Halloween, you need to nope the fuck out of there. And yes, unfortunately, this has happened to me.
Now, allow me to review all of these.
1) How does he treat his exes? If he’s constantly talking about them, bashing them, and stalking them, chances are you should give this guy a miss, because if/when you break up with him, he will do the same to you, and you will not like it.
Now, first off, I'm always iffy about, assuming your relationship is not going to last. Because, really, you should be in a relationship for the long haul, not just a temporary thing. And, speaking from experience, even if he doesn't 'badmouth' any of his exes or 'creep' them, doesn't mean he not going to do that to you if you were to ever break up. Just the same, even is he does 'badmouth' any of his exes or 'creeps' them, doesn't mean he's going to do it to you. It really all depends on the person and the situation. It's like saying, if one bad apple in a barrel has a worm, then they MUST ALL have worms.
2) How pushy is he when it comes to the speed of your relationship? If you’re not ready to make out/have sex/whatever and he’s pushing you, you need to be careful. This is how rape happens. Trust me.
Now, I'm not going to deny that someone who's sexually pushy MAY rape you, but, I don't believe that this is a standard.(standard, as in all or even most sexually pushy guys are going to rape you) What you really need to do, is just make sure to communicate with him and tell him you want to slow down, or you're just not ready for the "next step". If he still is being pushy, and even get's mad at you, then it turns into the fact that he's just not respecting you. Personally, in my opinion, this can be a major issue, especially if it's early on in the relationship, because it may hint the fact that he has violent tenancies. Then yes, with that I would most likely back off. Now, if he's still being pushy, but isn't being mad or anything like that(as in not showing signs of violence), then I'd suggest maybe backing off a little, just to show that the more he's going to try and take, the less he'll get. He'll eventually learn, or he'll get fed up and leave you for not putting out. In a sense, this is a win/win. Reason being, either he learns and stops being so pushy(which is what you want), or, he was just a douche bad that just wanted you for sex, and not you for who you are.
3) How much debt does he have? If its over ten grand and he doesn’t have a house or car of his own, watch out, because chances are he’s bad with money, and trust me, you don’t want to bear that burden.
Now, with this one, it really depends on WHY he's in debt. If it's student loans and such like that, then, well, you're going to find that a lot with people who are going to go to university. And think about it, if he's got this debt because he's furthering himself to get a career, then he'll get the money once he has a career, and be able to pay it back. Now, if he is majorly in debt because of say, gambling, or just maxing out credit cards because of buying materialistic things, then, it's more understandable to find this a "deal breaker". Because, yes, it shows that he has poor money sense and this can be a bad thing to get yourself into. But, what you should really note, is if he's making any effort into paying it all back. I personally know someone in my family who started dating a guy(who was 19-20 at the time they started dating) and had a $25,000+ debt due to gambling and drugs. But my family member was able to help him clear his debt, and get clean.(They've been together for 7-8 years, so this isn't an over night process)
4) How does he treat his mother? If he treats her badly, he’s going to do the same to you.
Now, this I don't entirely disagree with. Because, some times how a man treats his mother will reflect how he treats you. BUT, you also have to take into consideration on how she treats him also. A man can utterly despise his mother, but still cherish you dearly and treat you amazingly. Just the same, a man who treats his mother like she's heaven sent, can treat you like utter trash. It would be more accurate to "predict" how a man is going to treat you by paying attention to how he treats other women. But, really, there is no fool proof way to predict how a man will treat you. He can treat you amazingly for years, and then, all of a sudden, he can be the complete reverse.
5) How does he treat his friends? If he doesn’t respect them, he won’t respect you or your friends.
Now, with this I mostly agree with. Because if he doesn't respect his friends, then you have a high chance that the won't respect you or your friends, or family either for that matter. This is more of an immaturity thing, and often times he'll grow out of this behavior.
6) Does he have a solid group of friends? If he doesn’t have friends outside of you, he’s going to get clingy, and you’re going to be trapped.
Now, this I find incorrect. Assuming the definition here for clingy is to mean "needy" and "dependent", then I find this "rule" or whatever you want to be flawed. Because, you really have to understand WHY he has no friends, like for instance, chances are, it's due to the fact that he's more of somebody who keeps to himself, of is just mostly occupied, or is just kind of socially awkward. And if he's socially awkward, then I can see that he may be 'clingy'. But I don't see this as like, a 'red alert' kind of thing. Just tell him that you need some breathing room, and that you need to spend some time with friends or family, or just have your own "me time". Someone being "clingy" in that regard isn't such a big deal if you know how to handle it. And obviously, if it's going to be more of an opposite outcome, where you don't really spend a whole lot of time together.
7) How strong are his opinions on things like abortion, LGBLTTQ* rights, women’s rights, and religion? If he feels strongly in a way that opposes your own opinions, you’re gonna have a bad time. And if he’s religious, or an atheist, is he one of those rude loud ones, or is he quiet and polite about it? Beware of the obnoxious atheist. They’re even worse than bible thumpers.
Now, with this, it really depends. First off, people's "opinions"/"beliefs" can change/alter. But whether or not his opinions/beliefs contradict your own, doesn't really matter so long as you BOTH, UNDERSTAND, RESPECT and ACCEPT that their beliefs/opinions may not be the same. I say respect because, if you don't want him to try and push his opinions/beliefs onto, then you can't do the same, otherwise it's a double standard. But also, you have to take his personality into account. Say for example, if he's someone who's arrogant and/or ignorant and just doesn't respect your opinions/views at all, and just trash talks them(essentially being an asshole), then obviously he's not the right guy for you. Now, I once dated someone who was homophobic, and after we had started dating, I eventually had gotten him to become more accepting towards homosexuals.
8) How does he handle social situations?
There's nothing here for me to review.
9) How does he treat wait staff? Is he polite, or does he bark orders at them?
I really don't find this an accurate judgement. If it gets the the point that he has to get upset with the waiter/waitress, then perhaps someone isn't doing their job properly. Sometimes someone can be under a great deal of stress, and a waiter/waitress who's not doing their job properly may just become "the straw that broke the camel's back". Also, what's more important would be how he treats everyone in general. Or if you want to judge him based on how he treats specific "groups"/"types" of people, then pay attention to how he treats homeless people or homosexuals, transgender, ect...
10) Finally, how is his appearance and personal hygiene? If you ever catch him wearing a pair of sweatpants with a suit jacket, and its not Halloween, you need to nope the fuck out of there. And yes, unfortunately, this has happened to me.
Now, personally, I find this to be rather shallow. Who cares how he looks so long as he's a good person? Why can't personality be more important than looks these days? Personal hygiene is more understandable, because yeah, someone who's smelly and looks like he was living on the streets for a while, can be kind of icky to be around. But this is another one of those things to which he can can grow out of because it's likely to be an immaturity thing. I once dated someone for three years who would shower every other day or so, and wear the same boxers days in a row. (and his boxes lots of really bad skid mark stains and big holes because of them)
And that concludes my review. Now obviously these are my own personal opinions. Moral of the story; don't be so quick to judge. Feel free to comment and express your own opinions!
And on that note! I'm off!
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16/08/12
Just Be Yourself, Even If You're "Different".
For a while now I've been contemplating what I should write about for my blog. I didn't want to write about just anything, I want to write about things that matter, things that will positively affect people and make them feel better about themselves, no matter who they are. Also, I had asked a friend of mine to write a little something for me for this blog entry(I'll have it right after the secondary introduction part).
Now, I know there's a lot of people out there who are afraid of really embracing who they are and being confident about expressing their true selves. Why? Because one of the earliest things we learn in life, is how we "should" be. Society, Religion, and Media, they all tell us how we "should" and "shouldn't" be. And people are noticing more and more about the damaging effects. We're taught that bigger girls/women and boys/men should be skinnier, and that skinnier girls/woman should have bigger boobs and bigger butts, and boys/men that are skinnier are supposed to have more muscles. We're taught that a girl/woman should love a boy/man, and that a girl/woman or boy/man shouldn't love another girl/woman or boy/man. We're all instantly given a mold a birth, and we're supposed to fit in that mold. That's what is going to make us "socially acceptable". And sadly, because of this, so many people can't be who they really are, and sometimes it's get's so bad, that they don't even know who they really are anymore, because they have to put on a mask every day and pretend to be someone that they're not. Why? Because they're afraid that they won't be loved or be socially acceptable. It's gotten so bad that the age that people start to hate themselves because who they are different than what they are "taught", is getting younger and younger. I've read about 8 year olds becoming anorexic because they thought they were "too fat", or 12 year olds killing themselves because they were homosexual.
How could we have let things get so bad, that we had children, who've barely even lived yet, taking their lives, and trying to change who they are because of what society, media and religion has taught us, before we started to even make the effort of changing things?
It's only recently that we've had larger sized women being allowed to model. And now you're seeing more and more that big is beautiful, and this is a great thing... But at the same time, we're hating on people who are skinnier. And we shouldn't, because this creates a double standard. And you find that "big" and "skinny" are being 'grouped'. You almost always see either all bigger women, or all skinnier women. Rarely will you find an even mix between bigger and skinnier. And that's what we should have, we should have an even mix. Because this teaches us that ALL sizes are beautiful in their own ways. There is no superior or inferior size. Everyone should be beautiful, girl/woman or boy/man, no matter their size or body shape or anything like that. And everyone should be able to look into a full body mirror, and actually feel beautiful.
Another issue that's finally being addressed is the one about same gender love. For many, many years, it has been frowned upon for someone to love someone of the same gender, and this has caused so many people to lead lives of lies. Why? Because they were afraid of what might happen if people were to find out that they weren't "normal". They've been taught that loving someone of the same gender sentences them to eternal damnation. But that's not true, because love is love. Love has no gender. Even if you look at the definition for love, no where will you see it stating anything about gender.
love/ləv/
| Noun: |
| |
| Verb: |
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| Synonyms: |
noun. affection - fondness - darling - passion
verb. like - be fond of - fancy - adore
| |
I had asked a friend of mine "just one question first, do you feel better about realizing about being a lesbian?"
And this was what she replied:
"Well to be honest, I identify as Pansexual. Because I will not judge a person on "what's in their pants". But to most I just say lesbian because I do love women the most and it is hard to explain to some about what Pansexual means. I do feel better realizing who I am and what I like. It does feel good to have a sense of who you are. It's sad that us humans need a label to feel better or pushed or rushed into picking a label, because in reality, who the fuck needs one? We can find someone and fall in love. Simple as that. A human being falling in love with another one, or multiple. I could go on rants for ever and ever. But one that always comes up is that there are a few parts to a person. There is
a) Sexual attraction
b) Gender Identity
c) Fantasy
d) Behavior
Sexual attraction is said to not be a choice. This is who we are attracted to. Gender Identity is what we identify as a person. Gender Identity is not linked to sexual attraction. We can identify as anything and be attracted to anything. Just because we are an FTM (female to male transexual) does not mean we are automatically attracted to girls. And fantasy is what someone can fantasize about. A straight man can fantasize about a man, but does not automatically make him gay. And behavior, a lesbian could have slept with men in the past or does now, but she herself identifies as a lesbian. So as you see these four things doesn't not rely on one another.
It's a long journey to figuring out who you are, meaning gender identity and sexual orientation. But first of all, you are not allow. There are many out there that you wouldn't even suspect are gay or trans or anything else. Just reach out. What help me most is reaching out to others and asking silly questions. All of the people I reached out to were happy to help. So please just reach out!
The best thing when wondering what's going on inside yourself is to education yourself, learn the proper terms and things like that. And also as an ally you need to education yourself to understand." -- Cassie M.
So what I'm trying to get at here, is that, you should embrace who you are, no matter how "different" it makes you, and you should love every little thing about you that makes you, you. You're amazing no matter who you are.
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